15 German Stereotypes We Won't Even Try To Deny

German stereotypes are gnome laughing matter I
German stereotypes are gnome laughing matter I | © Colibri1968 / WikiCommons
Evelyn Smallwood

Canadians are nice and hopelessly apologetic, Dutch people are extremely direct and very tall – and Germans? Well, Germans are a lot of things, most of which are equal parts charming, baffling and frustrating to visitors from other lands. Here are 15 stereotypes all Germans will relate to. After all, why wouldn’t a person be proud of being able to sort garbage 48 million ways?

Rules are everything

It’s true. Germans love order. It’s not so much that they love rules – there is certainly plenty of complaining about that – it’s more that they love the level playing field brought on by having every single thing spelled out in black and white. It can be difficult to learn all the rules when you come from another country, but after enough fines from the police for crossing the street against the red man, or yelling matches in the street over a photo you took of a city worker, you’ll learn.

Private and public are two very different things

Fresh air cures all ills…

Germans love fresh air, particularly in rooms where sleeping happens. The land of logic and reason still thinks that stagnant air carries disease and is generally not good for the Gesundheit. Most houses in Germany have radiant or underfloor heating, so there is very little fresh air introduced naturally. Happily, there is a solution: leave the bedroom window open all day with the heating on full.

… but a draft can kill you

Yes, heating a room with the window open is wasteful, but a draft can kill you, don’t you know? Basically, the rule is, if a person has not opened the window themselves to alleviate a stale air problem, real or perceived, then that person is at risk of being rendered ill, or in extreme cases, dying on the spot thanks to the draft. Just ask Oma.

Fresh air = one of life’s great pleasures I

Irony? Nein, danke.

Much is made about Germans have a sense of humour fail at pretty well all times. It’s not that Germans don’t like jokes. They are just, to English speakers, not very funny. Mostly this is because Germans in general don’t understand irony and the entire foundation of humour in English-speaking cultures is self-deprecation, sarcasm and double meanings.

Germans are Olympic-standard garbage sorters

In my house there are three garbage cans – styrofoam/plastic, cardboard/paper, and everything else. Also a separate bag for returnable bottles. In other parts of the country, there are four or five different bins. Manufacturers of plastic containers must pay a fee to garbage collectors to deal with all their containers, so most Germans take sorting seriously. Even the garbage cans in the train station have three or four divisions.

The worst Würst is no Würst

No doubt about it, Germany loves the weiner. And the Bockwurst and the Weißwurst and, and, and….Each region has their own specialty, though most are available in most supermarkets all over the country. Try Blutwurst in Cologne’s famous Himmel un Ääd or find Thuringia’s white sausage at nearly any Christmas market.

Being super cautious is standard

Germans don’t, as a people, have much appetite for risk. If you can think of a situation, there is an insurance for it. Personal liability insurance, while cheap, is a must for residents. If a car hits a biker who is permanently injured as a result, the driver is liable for the biker’s medical costs for the rest of their life. Businesses insure their employees on the journey to and from work, but only if the employee takes the most direct route. So, naturally, almost everyone has additional personal insurance to cover any accidents that may happen while dropping off a child at daycare while on the way to work.

Nein I

Berliners are the Latin Americans of Germany

It seems that Berliners didn’t get the memo about conforming to broad German stereotypes as part of their role as residents of the capital city. The rest of Germany makes fun of Berliners for their relaxed approach to timekeeping and getting things done. Berlin Airport anyone? Or taking three years to build 2 km of new tram lines? Berliners are also known to regard contrarianism as a sport at which they alone are, now and forever, world champions.

Garden gnomes are a thing…

Standing by toadstool, sitting in a wee chair or even reclining like a bearded odalisque, garden gnomes in Germany (Gartenzwerge) are a thing and they are not ironic. There are somewhere around 25 million living in gardens around the country and while most people don’t think they are really cool, the primary function of a gnome is not as some sort of wink, wink inside joke.

A German garden gnome I

… and so is Supermarktorschlußpanik*

Supermarkets are not open on Sundays and public holidays, because workers at supermarkets have families too and why should they be expected to leave them and scan your ridiculous hangover breakfast ingredients? Even though this happens every week and most supermarkets in the city are open until at least 10pm, people shop like they will have to survive at least seven days.

Even worse is when a Sunday and a national holiday run together, meaning that there two days in a row where the shops are closed. That is next level stuff – Supermarkttorschlußapokalypse, if you will. On those days, if you go to the supermarket after midday, expect only a sad carrot or two and a couple of rusty cans of beans.

* vocab help: torschlußpanik is the fear of missing out on a opportunity because time ran out.

Allotments are everywhere

Look carefully out the window of any local or regional train you’re on and you’ll see periodic clumps of little sheds. These are not, as I first thought, a creative solution to the homeless problem, but rather Schrebergartenen (allotments). As with most things designed to give pleasure in the Deutschland, these are very serious business. There are lot of rules about what you can grow and the waitlist for a plot in a central part of the city can be ten years.

Schrebergärten in Germany I

The only water worth drinking is sparkling water

Despite freely having access to what by world standards is considered top quality water from a tap inside their house, most Germans carry 9 litres of sparkling drinking water home from the store even if they don’t have a car. This is, of course, 9 kg or nearly 20 pounds. Tap water is in the same family as stale air and is somehow bad for your health. If you are visiting someone at their house and ask for tap water, you probably won’t get it. Don’t even try it in a restaurant. Just no.

Bread is a way of life

Most foreigners would agree that German bread is pretty good. There’s plenty of it, and even the tiniest village has at least one bakery. Almost none of it goes in the toaster and almost all of it has some Dinkel (spelt flour) in it. In general, German bread is much heavier than fluffy white American or Italian bread, so doesn’t lend itself well to sandwiches. Still, Germans love the stuff. Bakeries are open on Sunday morning because bread is considered essential to life.

A German friend is a friend for life

Like many other northern Europeans, Germans can take a while to warm up. It helps in the beginning, if you perceive the distance as respect for your privacy rather than dislike or indifference. After all, these are people who can work with someone for 40 years and never call them by their first name or use informal pronouns. Once you break through the wall, Germans make excellent friends. It’s very common for people to meet up once or twice a year with their school friends well into middle age.

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