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Jokes Only Germans Will Understand

A female red kangaroo holds her juvenile joey while he reaches up for her
A female red kangaroo holds her juvenile joey while he reaches up for her | © Jami Tarris / Getty Images

Believe it or not, Germans love to laugh, just not at the same things English-speakers do. Gentle jokes about national stereotypes are beloved as are wordplays, puns, jokes with misdirection or mistakes in logic and absurdist humour—anything but the act of teasing each other, which is the foundation of English-language humour. Though there may be bits that get lost in translation, here are 11 jokes that will get at least a smile in Germany.

To help understand the German way, we’ve also picked out some unique experiences from the country to go with these rib-ticklers.

Technically-speaking

— Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
— Yes! Because a house can’t jump.
[groan]

Nuremberg Like a Local: Customized Private Tour

Historical Landmark

Nuremberg, Germany
Markus Spiske / unsplash

Experience Nuremberg like a local with a customized private tour tailored to your interests. Discover the city’s rich history, from its medieval architecture to its vibrant cultural scene. Stroll through charming streets, visit hidden gems, and learn about Nuremberg’s unique traditions and culinary delights. Your knowledgeable guide will provide personalized insights and recommendations, ensuring an unforgettable journey through this captivating city. This tour offers a perfect blend of exploration and local perspective, making it a memorable adventure.

Keep it classy, Deutschland

A man goes to the doctor and says, ‘Doctor, I poop every morning at seven. What should I do?’. The doctor tells him not to worry, that most people would love to be that regular.

‘But wait’, the man says, ‘I wake up at 7:30….’

Munich Private Custom Walking Tour with a Local

Architectural Landmark

Brewery machines
elevatebeer / unsplash
A weekend in the exciting city of Munich can be rather busy if you wish to tick its highlights off of your list. Start in Munich’s heart—the historic square of Marienplatz. It is home to the magnificent New Town Hall (Neues Rathaus) and Old Town Hall (Altes Rathaus), shops, rows of restaurants, and special events throughout the year. Just around the corner is the icon of Munich’s skyline, the double-domed Frauenkirche, The Church of Our Lady. Make sure to stop at Englischer Garden, the biggest public park in Germany, and catch surfers in action.

Waiter!

A man says to his waiter, ‘Excuse me sir, this coffee is cold’, to which the waiter replies, ‘Thanks for telling me. I’ll make a note on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro more’.

Guided Brewhouse Walking Tour in Cologne

Architectural Landmark

Cologne Cathedral
dominikkuhn / unsplash

Join a guided brewhouse walking tour in Cologne and dive into the city’s rich brewing heritage. Explore traditional breweries and learn about the unique Kölsch beer style that defines this vibrant city. Stroll through charming streets, soaking in the local atmosphere as you visit iconic brewhouses, each with its own history and specialties. Sample refreshing beers paired with delicious regional snacks, while your knowledgeable guide shares fascinating insights into Cologne’s beer culture. This tour is a must for beer enthusiasts and cultural explorers alike.

Zing!

— What is the difference between a Turk and a Bavarian?

— The Turkish person can speak better German.

(Bavaria has a very strong dialect that is a sort of middle point between Hochdeutsch and Swiss German.)

Bavarian Beer and Food Evening Tour in Munich

Historical Landmark

Original bavarian craftbeer
Markus Spiske / unsplash

Join the Bavarian Beer and Food Evening Tour in Munich for a delightful culinary experience. Explore traditional beer halls and local eateries while sampling a variety of authentic Bavarian dishes, such as pretzels, sausages, and roast pork. Discover the rich history of Munich’s beer culture as you enjoy a selection of local brews, including famous lagers and wheat beers. With a knowledgeable guide to share stories and insights, this tour offers a perfect blend of flavors, culture, and warm Bavarian hospitality.

It’s funny because it’s true

A German and an American are building houses. They place a bet on whose house will be finished first. After four weeks, the American announces triumphantly, ‘Only 14 days and I’m finished!’ to which his German friend excitedly replies, ‘Only 14 more forms to fill out and then I can get started?!’

An American, a German and a Tyroler….

An American, a German and someone from Tyrol (in Austria) are sitting in a ski hut. When the American finishes his glass of Budweiser, he throws it in the air, takes out his revolver and shoots the glass into a thousand pieces before saying, ‘we have so much money in America, we don’t drink from the same glass twice’.

The German orders his glass of Warsteiner, drinks it, throws it in the air, steals the American’s revolver and shoots the glass into a thousand pieces. ‘In Germany’, he says, ‘we have so much money we also don’t need to drink from the same glass twice’.

Not wanting to be left out, the local Tyroler drinks his Gösser, steals the American’s gun, shoots the German and says, ‘In Tyrol, we have so many Germans, we don’t have to drink with the same one twice’.

(The Tyrol region in western Austria is an extremely popular holiday destination for Germans for its skiing and hiking season. There is no real industry in the area aside from tourism.)

Munich Macabre Group Walking Tour

Architectural Landmark

Munich
Herr Bohn / Unsplash
A weekend in the exciting city of Munich can be rather busy if you wish to tick its highlights off of your list. Start in Munich’s heart—the historic square of Marienplatz. It is home to the magnificent New Town Hall (Neues Rathaus) and Old Town Hall (Altes Rathaus), shops, rows of restaurants, and special events throughout the year. Just around the corner is the icon of Munich’s skyline, the double-domed Frauenkirche, The Church of Our Lady. Make sure to stop at Englischer Garden, the biggest public park in Germany, and catch surfers in action.

Alle Kinder

Coming from the same realm as ‘Knock, Knock’ jokes, Alle Kinder humour follows a specific structure which can be used to make extremely dark and hilarious jokes.

The basic structure is:

All the children are [doing some activity] except [child’s name] who… [a word that must rhyme with the child’s name].

Example: All the children are playing with knives except for Ted who is now dead.

A German example: Alle Kinder laufen in den Bunker, nur nicht Beate, die fängt die Granate. [All the children run in the bunker, except for Beate, who caught the grenade].

A handmade Blenheim Forge knife

Antiwitze

Antiwitze jokes come from the kind of humour that is so absurd, you can’t help but laugh and are what Americans would probably file under the ‘Dad jokes’ category.

First example: Two muffins are next to each other baking in the oven. Suddenly, one of them says, ‘Is it hot in here or is it just me?’ to which the other muffin replies, ‘Oh my god—it’s a talking muffin!’

Second example: Two guys are walking over a bridge. One falls in the water, the other is called Helmut.

Best of Berlin Segway Tour

Historical Landmark

Segways
neonbrand / unsplash

Experience the highlights of Berlin on the Best of Berlin Segway Tour, a fun and efficient way to explore the city’s iconic landmarks. Glide effortlessly past famous sites such as the Brandenburg Gate, Berlin Wall, and Reichstag, while your knowledgeable guide shares intriguing stories and historical insights. Enjoy the thrill of riding a Segway as you cover more ground and take in the vibrant atmosphere of this dynamic city. This tour is perfect for those seeking a unique and engaging way to discover Berlin.

Bauernregeln

This category of jokes makes fun of the sort of old-timey wisdom you might find in a Farmer’s Almanac (Bauernregeln means ‘farmer’s rules’ or weather lore)—something along the lines of ‘April showers bring May flowers’. The point of these jokes is to fit as much filthy nonsense into an otherwise anodyne rhyming couplet.

For example:

Nimmt der Ochse ein Kondom, lacht der Kuhstall voller Hohn!

(If the ox were to use a condom, the whole barn would laugh at him.)
Wenn es nachts im Bette kracht, der Bauer seine Erben macht.
(When the bed creaks in the night, the farmer is making his inheritance.)

Ummm…..

This one requires some explaining, and even then it isn’t funny. Before you try understanding it yourself, it’s important to know that in most German government and public buildings, the bathrooms are numbered 00:

A man says to his colleague, ‘Hey Stefan, how was your vacation?’ ‘Terrible’, Stefan replies. ‘I stayed in Room 100 and on the first day, the number 1 fell off the door.’

No, you’re the idiot

In Germany, the butt of idiot jokes are always people from the East Frisian Islands in the North Sea. Any joke you can think of involving a blonde or a Newfoundlander will work with an Ostfriese.

A classic example:

An East Frisian spaceship captain is addressing his crew. ‘Everybody’, he says proudly, ‘I’m very excited to announce that we are finally ready to embark on our mission to the sun. We will be the first in the world to do it and I can’t wait to show everyone we’re not as dumb as they all say we are.’

‘But wait’, one of the astronauts ventures. ‘Isn’t it too hot?’ The captain rolls his eyes and says, ‘Jörg, it’s questions like that that give us East Frisians a bad reputation. I can assure you, heat will not be a problem. We’re travelling at night.’

Astronaut
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