Many many years ago, single and living in South London, I found myself having a drink in a pub with two single female friends on the evening of February 14. We were a bit peckish, and asked about a table for three in the pub’s restaurant area. ‘A table for three? Tonight?” said the manager eyeing me up and down closely, “but it’s Valentine’s night!” He then pulled back a curtain to reveal row upon row of single tables a mere 8” apart, with couples uniformly turning their heads, blinking in the candle light and all looking at the three of us in astonishment.
Ah Valentine’s day, when people who don’t regularly eat out, eat out. A meal to be ‘enjoyed’ in the close company of other couples (none of whom you must look at but whose every word you can hear) in a hushed ‘romantic’ silence reminiscent of the exam hall.
Here then, are just some of the reasons why it’s the worst time to eat out:
There are no foods that are scientifically proven to increase sexual desire, none. So all those menus featuring chocolate, oysters or in some cases both are a waste of time.
We’re terrified of public displays of affection…
Kissing in public, in a restaurant no less, full of actual other couples, all looking at you and scoring your efforts – the horror.
Unless we’ve had at least triple the recommend daily units of alcohol
Dutch courage will win the day.
The food is always terrible
Chicken or the beef? Chicken or the beef?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely.”
Outside: “Well, it was okay.”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great.”
Back home: “We won’t go there again.”
— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) January 15, 2017
You absolutely cannot look at your phone
Even though you’re dying to.
The guy selling roses
If you buy one, you look like a cheap sucker, if you don’t, you look tight.
The staff don’t want to be there either
Unlike Christmas, they’re not even on double time. Plus no large groups means more work for them as every table is a two. And you better tip!
The couple next to you are better looking
Both of you know this to be true, neither of you mention it on the journey home.