Check Out This Funny Compilation Of Charles Saatchi's Newspaper Columns

This perfectly timed release – ideal for the late Christmas shopper – will have you squirming and in hysterics. Hilariously candid, Charles Saatchi takes on the role of life coach in this illustrated collection of his weekly newspaper columns that reflect upon contemporary society. From the taboo of tattoos and loosing one’s hair to nagging wives and kidnapping dogs, Saatchi’s short anecdotes are accompanied by specially-selected images that only a man with a history of working on internationally-acclaimed advertising campaigns could pick. We’ve chosen our favourite columns and curious images from the book to whet your appetite.

“Possibly, there are more horrible jobs than being an armpit sniffer, testing products in a deodorant factory,” said Saatchi about the worst job in the world. But the real aim of the column – if not only to use the awesome photo of scent testers in Ohio – is, if you’re unhappy in your job, then you can change the course of your career by changing your outlook. “Always remember as you struggle all hours to build your idea into a money-spinner, it has to be more uplifting than sniffing armpits all day.”

Saatchi gives some tactical advice on how to get ahead at work without looking as if you’re trying to get ahead: “Nobody likes a brown-noser, neither your colleagues, nor the recipient. Simply complimenting your superior’s nice suit, or elegant shoes is unlikely to impress anyone – such attempts at ingratiating yourself will appear obvious and heavy-handed. Likewise, flattering the boss by enthusiastically agreeing with their every view can backfire if it appears you are being manipulative for your own ends. Better to look for ways to frame admiration as though you are seeking advice.”

Insightful and fairly worrying, Saatchi’s column on the affects of nagging will make you think twice about moaning to your loved one: “Let me explain instantly that husbands can make equally fine nags. But for guidance I turn, as I’m sure you do, to the teaching of the bible: ‘Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.’ (Proverbs 21:19). Nag is a word derived, rather graphically, from Old Norse ‘gnaga’, to bite or gnaw…men subjected to relentless nagging and criticism from their partner are two and a half times as likely to die far younger than their counterparts in less stressful relationships.”

If you didn’t know it was a thing, then Saatchi’s informed eye-opening commentary on organised dog stealing will have you seeking protection for your precious pooch: “Recently the most stolen breed has been the Cocker Spaniel, having leapt in popularity because of Lupo, the favourite pet of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. Other dogs regularly dognapped include Jack Russells and Chihuahuas, which are considered desirable all across Europe and easily sold. Often, stolen pets will be bought by foreign laboratories for animal testing; others are kept for profitable breeding.”

To all the men out there with a comb-over, the time has come to stand proud where your bald patch is concerned, as Saatchi’s piece on baldness reveals an unexpected youthful angle to embrace: “A truly dreadful fashion trend is now upon us – the man bun. But while many may think that this new hairstyle adopted by edgy men is simply idiotic, there are others who probably look at those buns in envy. Baldness deeply concerns millions of men, for some from as early as in their twenties […] Baldness also gives you an advantage in business dealings, particularly if you celebrate your baldness by cutting your remaining hair very short, or shaving it off altogether. Experts believe this gives you an aura of power. Have you noticed how bald men don’t appear to age?”

Holy Cow! by Charles Saatchi is out now, published by Palazzo at £25.