12 Things Tourists Should Never Do in Magaluf, Ever

For those unfamiliar with the term, ‘balconing’ is the act of either jumping between hotel balconies, or from balcony into the hotel pool. While dangerous even when sober, add a few drinks to the mix and it can be a recipe for disaster. There’s been more that a dozen deaths in the last five years and scores of serious injuries from this foolhardy craze. Oh, and don’t encourage your mate to do it either, as this is also fineable.

While females are more likely to be targeted, a fair share of men have also been on the receiving end of a drink-spiking. Criminal gangs are known to slip a substance into their unsuspecting victim’s drink – either a powerful hallucinogen or sedative – usually in order to rob them blind, though sometimes far worse.

Few people go for a night out in Magaluf without the intention to get a little squiffy, but getting completely paralytic not only exposes yourself to the possibility of forgetting where your hotel is, but makes you far more vulnerable to everything from pickpocketing to sexual assault. While drinking in moderation is unrealistic for most revellers, drinking to excess can, and often does, end badly.

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Choosing to have a piece of your body marked for life (short of painful laser treatment) should always be done in a sober and considered manner. ‘Sober’ and ‘considered’, however, are two words rarely used to describe the average Magaluf reveller, and while it might seem like a hilarious idea at the time to get cartoon genitalia inked across your belly (it happens), waking up with something a little more permanent than a killer hangover is something you will almost certainly regret. One Magaluf tattoo parlour is called ‘SorryMom Tattoo Studio’, which says it all.

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While this should be a no-brainer, in a resort that has garnered the nickname ‘Shagaluf’ there’s inevitably plenty of it going on. And because it’s not unusual for visitors to indulge in various hook-ups during their stay, without adequate protection there’s a good chance you’ll be taking home ‘Maga Clap’ with your suntan and souvenir bottle of sangria.

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Beyond whether this is ever a good idea anywhere, an increasing number of incidents involving prostitutes attacking and robbing punters have been reported. With victims often already vulnerable and disoriented from one-too-many, pimps have also been known to get involved, and even stories of hapless lads even being frogmarched to cash machines have come to light. And as these are rarely reported to the police (for obvious reasons) assailants know there’s little chance of getting caught.

We all enjoy the occasional boast post from our jolibob, but just remember once you release that ‘hilarious’ picture of you and/or your mates in that compromising position/head down toilet/gurning for England into cyberspace there may be no wresting it back. The tabloids also love running stories about what naughty Brits get up to in Magaluf, and you probably don’t want your silly pranks going viral for the world (and your nan) to see.

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Again this is hardly the smartest thing to do wherever you are, but Magaluf inevitably attracts dealers who know they can get away with selling anything to a customer when they can already barely see straight. Besides being ripped off with fake gear, there have been several high-profile deaths in the resort that have been attributed to tourist getting hold of the real deal. Also get caught and you’ll be facing some time in a Spanish slammer or (if you’re lucky) a hefty fine.

While we all like to shed the threads during our summer hols, Calvia council – who have the unenviable task of governing Magaluf – have decreed that any stripping off should be restricted to the beach. Full-nudity on the street has obviously always been a no-no, but even semi-nakedness (i.e. from the waist up) will now incur a penalty. Just this year fines were issued to 18 British tourists caught a video jogging naked from a skinny dip the beach in neighbouring Palmanova. One was also fined for obstructing traffic.

Another obvious one, though one that a certain poor British lass probably wishes she had heeded after her participation in ‘mamading’ – a game where bars encourage young women to perform sex acts in return for free alcohol. Again it highlights the dangers of mixing bucketloads of booze, modern technology, and the Magaluf ‘anything goes’ mentality, with the video going viral and causing a wave of moral outrage and further cementing Magaluf in the mind of many as a modern-day Gomorrah.

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These are three separate fineable offences, which suggests the Magaluf tree population have been getting a pretty rough ride. What did they ever do to you? Stop hassling the trees.

Yep, this was also one of the 64 fineable offences.