10 Things You Should Never Say to an Australian

Prior to Tourism Australia’s disastrous ‘where the bloody hell are ya?’ campaign, Paul Hogan was cast to deliver the line ‘slip an extra shrimp on the barbie for ya’ in their 1984 tourist ad. The quote would become quintessentially Australian, except for the small fact that Australian’s don’t use the word shrimp – we call them prawns.

How dare you! Vegemite is a delicacy and like all delicacies, less is more. Don’t eat it by the spoonful and, when spreading it on toast, don’t slather it on like you would butter or jam. If you follow these simple tips, you too can be a Happy Little Vegemite, as our unofficial national anthem states. Moreover, as one of the richest sources of vitamin B, there’s a lot to be happy about. Even Miley Cyrus, who has a tattoo of a vegemite jar, is a fan.

Don’t get us wrong: we love our cousins across the ditch but Australia and New Zealand are two very different places separated by over 2,000 kilometers and comparing the two is the equivalent of believing that the United States and Canada are the same. Aside from the distance and the fact that they are two distinct countries, each has own unique culture and landscape too. Sure our flags are similar, but each country has its own individual identity.

You’ve clearly never tried Carlton Draught. While Fosters is an Australian brand, it’s not the beer of choice for Aussies and is much more popular with the British. In fact, Fosters isn’t even one of our top 10 favourite beers. To drink like true blue Australian opt for Victoria Bitter or, even better still, support your local micro-brewery.

Sport is a massive part of Australian culture and AFL is our national game so although it’s not a crime to hate the footy it’s best to keep your opinions to yourself. To put Australia’s love of AFL in context, it has the fourth highest attendance of any professional sport in the world and in Victoria, the Friday before the Grand Final is celebrated with a public holiday and parade.

Kylie is a national treasure and as far as any Australian is concerned there is only one and she doesn’t sell overpriced lippy. Between Scott and Charlene’s wedding on Neighbours to her enormously successful music career, the undisputed Princess of Pop is a cultural icon.

You’re kidding, right? What’s the point in ordering a triple venti soy latte with extra whip and caramel drizzle when all you get is dishwater? In Australia, coffee is an art form and our baristas are highly trained, especially in Melbourne. Preferring local cafés over big chains, Australians take their coffee seriously with a typical menu including pour over, aeropress, cold drip and cappuccinos variations.

Tough luck, you’re down under now mate and we abbreviate everything. The rule of thumb is that any proper noun with three syllables will have a shortened alternative; for example, McDonald’s becomes Maccas. Also, just to confuse tourists, we have a long list of words that make no sense and we use offensive language to describe our friends. For an example of a typical sentence, take this traffic report: “Got a bingle out in Broady. Towies on site but as a result it’s chockers in that direction.”

No, they’re not! They are called thongs and they are a staple in any summer wardrobe. The term flip-flops doesn’t even make sense. They aren’t crabby patties—you can’t flip them over and wear them two ways. Admit it, the term is ridiculous and the world should adopt our word now.