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Debunking the Myth of 'Elusive' Female Pleasure

Picture of Nadia Elysse
US Editorial Team Lead
Updated: 27 July 2017
For many women in the United States, ejaculation (if and when it happens) comes as a total surprise. One minute they’re having a totally standard sexual experience, then BOOM! Splash! Waterfalls!

“As soon as it happened I stiffened, unsure of what to think and unable to measure my boyfriend’s reaction,” said one woman, who wished to remain anonymous.”I was freaked out that I might have peed, and I remember feeling quite shocked and self-conscious for weeks afterward, particularly because it was so unexpected and out of my control.”

Here’s what we know: The gender orgasm gap is, indeed, real. Straight, gay, and bisexual men orgasm more frequently during sexual experiences than any category of women. And while the orgasm disparity alone has implications rooted in patriarchal western culture, ejaculation is a narrower and more glaring issue. Even for women who report orgasming frequently, ejaculation (or “squirting”) is something oft left for adult film stars and–as any group of women swapping gossip over brunch in New York City will tell you–the extremely lucky.
But if men ejaculate most every time they orgasm, why don’t women? There’s a theory that not all women can ejaculate. Instead of speculating, we asked a group of experts to weigh in. Here’s what they had to say.

Every body is different

“All bodies are different, so I don’t think it’s fair to say everyone can squirt. That just becomes one more way people can think they’re broken or doing something wrong, and I don’t think that’s helpful. But I do think squirting is far more attainable than people realize […] So many women are made to feel that they’re ‘gross’. This is why everything from the douche and fragrance industries to plastic surgeries for labiaplasty are thriving. So the idea that women would ‘squirt’ is difficult for a lot of people to deal with. It can be messy and in our culture it’s often shamed by equating the fluid with urine.”

–Stella Harris, Certified Sex Coach

It may just take some practice

“It depends upon the woman and her body. We’re not all wired to have huge gushing orgasms. But, in my experience, if a woman is open to learning how to ejaculate, she can do so rather quickly. Any expansion of pleasure takes an openness and connection with your own body. It could happen in a day, after a few attempts, or months of trying. Because all bodies are different, some women will be able to ejaculate and some will not. Either way, her willingness to explore her body and the pleasure that can be derived by it will create more intense and pleasurable experiences.”

– Antonia Hall, psychologist and award-winning author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life

Any woman is capable

“Articles by the scientific community contradict each other in regards to female ejaculation. It is not a myth and any woman is capable. It requires continual stimulation of the g-spot, which is also still debated. Because of the lack of knowledge of the female body, many people don’t know where this is or how to stimulate it. It is also difficult for a woman to do herself with the hands based on the location, and also a difficult area to hit with a penis.”

–Tiffany Alyse Yelverton, Sexual Health Expert

©RYAN MCGUIRE/gratisography

Pleasure should be the goal, not squirting

“Everything is geared toward male desire in our society including the idea of female orgasms. Whenever we see the concept of female pleasure and orgasms in our society, it’s usually an indication of a ‘performance’ that is catering to the male fantasy instead of a realistic idea of what a female orgasm looks like. All of this isn’t to say that female ejaculation isn’t something that is or isn’t achievable. Instead of thinking of anything sexual as an achievement we should root ourselves in the idea of pleasure oriented instead of goal oriented. When we stress about this idea of squirting or not squirting it will totally make having a great orgasm difficult.”

–Alexis Thomas, Sexual Health Educator

It’s a matter of ‘mechanics’

“Because we’re not taught real-life, relevant sex education when we are growing up, many women don’t know the mechanics required to achieve pulsing and squirting orgasms […] Female ejaculation requires a specific muscle action then switching her attention to enjoying the related sensations. Without that specific combination, it is impossible for a woman to achieve a squirting orgasm. Once mastering this easy technique, however, squirting orgasms can be achieved every 20 seconds during intercourse without touching herself.”

–Jacqui Olliver, Technique Modifier at End the Problem