The high-end health nut
You can’t put a price tag on good health, said no Hamptons resident ever. Every bougie body-sculpting fad has a home here, not a surprising fact for the site of the Virginia Sports Festival, where 2,000 fitness enthusiasts gather to compete and compare abs each year. This person has definitely tried CrossFit and shopped on Goop at least once.
Sure, Hamptons children may look like they lead charmed lives, but as their parents will assure you, they’re perfectly “normal” kids. They’re picky eaters (only the most luxe lobster dinners will do), curious (“I wonder if Daddy’s $8,000 watch is waterproof.”), and lazy (doesn’t everyone have their maids brush their teeth?). You know, ordinary kid stuff.
Only in the Hamptons is “I spin” an acceptable (or at least tolerated) response to the “what do you do” question. You can thank the area’s thriving club scene for the number of international DJs and self-proclaimed spinners you’ll meet in the area. (Note: creating a playlist for a friend’s party apparently qualifies one as a DJ today).
Celebrity-spotting may as well be the official sport of the Hamptons. With big names including Jerry Seinfeld, Paul McCartney, and Martha Stewart calling the Hamptons home, every local is a de facto athlete.
The Montauk resident
With its laid-back culture and outdoorsy attitude, Montauk may just be New York’s anti-Hamptons. You can spot a Montauk resident by their chosen brand of beer (whatever’s local) and their attire (beach-ready basics). If in doubt, just look for the people having more fun than any of their neighbors.
Disclaimer: this person can be found just about anywhere in New York City. Whether they’ve called the Hamptons home for five minutes or 50 years, the tourist-trasher wants you to know they’re a local, and as such, they are inherently superior to any out-of-town visitor. Our top tip for Hamptons tourists? Avoid this person and their rants on the “obvious” inferiority of Virginia Beach.
Taking the concept of club-hopping to a new extreme, the Club Kid seems to always either be just starting or ending a wild night out. Only observable after sundown, this person is the Hamptons’ very own version of a vampire. (Their drinking habits are just as alarming too).
Not all of the Hamptons is about glitz and glam (but, admittedly, it does all revolve around appearances). Plenty of artists today make their homes in Sag Harbor, Springs, and Amagansett because of the areas’ physical beauty, a feature which also drew former Springs resident Jackson Pollock to the Hamptons. These areas’ out-of-the-way addresses help complete this person’s “reclusive artist” image.
You’ll recognize this person by their accent (anything other than the lazy drawl of Hamptons natives is sure to raise flags). Other identifiers include heels on the beach (even Hamptons locals have their limits) and an itinerary only featuring the area’s beaches and commercial center.
The South Fork graduate
Once you leave your South Fork days behind you, you become this person. A 30-something Hamptons veteran, the South Fork graduate’s tastes have grown with them. Today, they’d choose a day at the winery over a drink at the bar and prefer to hop between galleries rather than clubs. (But if you invited them out to Boardy Barn, they might still take you up on it).