1. ‘I will join SoulCycle/Y7/CrossFit!’
Or, you’ll do what you do every other year: save your money and call that half-jog you do to catch your train each morning your workout for the day. What? It counts.
2. ‘I am going to start cooking more at home.’
Listening to our podcasts’ Blue Apron ads and thinking about maybe, possibly, some day trying it out counts, right? We’d love to cook more at home, but what would our Seamless delivery guy do without us? Our tips alone have paid for his college tuition. Because we care about education, we’ll have to let this resolution slide.
3. ‘I resolve to complain less.’
Seriously, $6 for an iced latte? That I have to wait in line for 10 minutes to get, thereby missing my train? And speaking of this train, is it ever going to start moving? Sorry, what were we saying?
4. ‘I resolve to meet new people this year.’
You mean you’re going to download and delete the Bumble app several times and register for a Meetup you won’t attend, right? It’s fine: in a city of 8 million people, knowing roughly 8 is surprisingly acceptable. Oh, the cashier at the neighborhood bodega doesn’t count? Make that 7 then.
5. ‘This year, I will be smarter about my spending.’
We would, but it turns out we need that $6 caffeine boost to even begin to work out how to save money when going out, working out, and living outside of New York City’s more questionable areas are so expensive.
6. ‘I resolve to spend less time on social media.’
During the month of January, you’ll easily ease up on Bumble and Tinder only to spend more time on Instagram, where you’ll post frequently about ‘living in the moment’ and the enlightenment that comes with ‘disconnecting’.
7. ‘This year, I will stop going to the same restaurants and bars as always.’
This is one resolution we’ll keep— sort of. We’re not going to give up our breakfast trips to Balthazar, but we may check out some other restaurants between visits. Ain’t compromise delicious?
8. ‘I vow to live more naturally.’
We blame Goop for this one. While the New Yorker loves to hate the Californian, a part of us is undeniably attracted to the all-natural appeal of our Western rivals. Our version of adopting an in vogue organic lifestyle entails trips to overpriced juice bars, expensive activewear, and an overuse of the ‘#blessed’ tag on Instagram before inevitably reverting back to our bagel-and-schmear ways.
9. ‘I’m going to start meditating.’
Correction: ‘I am going to complete a free trial on the Headspace app (again) and promptly forget about meditation until next January’.
10. ‘I resolve to get out of the city more.’
You want to love Upstate, really, you do. Too bad on your one trip up there you found the peaceful quiet just plain weird and the lack of WiFi disturbing. You’ll still post photos of your up-north nature getaway for the rest of the year, however, as you’re in denial about already having broken Resolution #8.
11. ‘I will stop being so negative about the city.’
Sure, it’s overpriced, and isolating, and stressful… We may have to postpone this one for next year.
12. ‘I resolve to drink less.’
We wholeheartedly resolve to drink less this year! Oh, ‘less’ is local slang for ‘strictly on Thursdays to Sundays and only ever the good stuff’. That was clear, right?
13. ‘I will pick up a new hobby this year.’
14. ‘I resolve to eat less pizza’.
With so many ethnic cuisines and foodie-destinations at your disposal in New York City, it’s a shame to limit oneself to just one food type. A new year provides the perfect opportunity to break out of your comfort zone and try something different, or have you already forgotten about Resolution #7?
15. ‘I resolve to eat more pizza’.
C’mon, it’s New York pizza! From top-notch dollar slices to the best pies this side of the Atlantic, there are enough pizza places in New York City to try a new one each day of the year. Challenge accepted, 2018.
16. ‘I will rely less on Lyft/Uber/Juno/yellow cabs and more on public transportation.’
This resolution feeds back into our vows to spend more wisely and to complain less (sayonara, city traffic), making it a positive step in our journey to become the best versions of ourselves. Anyway, sorry we’re late.
17. ‘I will get my own apartment this year.’
This is the year we achieve our independence! Our very own apartments, with no roommates! What’s that? Living alone would require us to give up our $6 lattes and forgo the Thursday through Sunday bar outings? You know, on second thought, we love the company. Home sweet home, right, gang?
18. ‘I resolve to move out of New York City…’
‘…only to return 2 years later because, well, it’s New York City, and there’s no place like it’. Not even you, California.