You're Only a Miami Expert If You've Done These 17 Things

Public Domain / Pixabay
Public Domain / Pixabay
Photo of Karina Castrillo
22 March 2018

So you think you know everything about the 3-0-5? Peruse this guide to determine whether you’re a total expert or you’ve still got a lot of living to do in the Magic City.

Survived a hurricane

Whether it was Hurricane Irma or Hurricane Andrew, you’ve survived a major storm. You know that when the TV anchor starts hopping hurricane categories, you head straight for Publix and Home Depot to load up on water gallons and plywood before the hordes of people show up and empty out the shelves.

Public Domain / Pixabay

Eaten the best Cuban food

Pastelitos, croquetas, vaca frita, you know the best bakeries and restaurants to satisfy your Cuban food cravings. You’re no stranger to grabbing moros and platanitos at Versailles at midnight, but you know there’s lots of great Cuban food outside of Little Havana.

You avoid South Beach on holidays

Memorial Day weekend in South Beach? No, thank you. You’re smart enough to avoid the throngs of people and sweaty chaos on the beach during a holiday.

Public Domain / Pixabay

You know all about road rage on the I-95

Ah, traffic. The arch-nemesis of every Miamian. You’ve felt the desperation and blood-boiling road rage of rush hour traffic on the I-95, the Palmetto, or every single highway and street on your commute home. You might have stopped by a McDonald’s for a frappe to cool you down on the road.

Sobered up with Los Perros after a night out

You’ve made a dash to Los Perros on those nights when you’ve partied too hard. Nothing satisfies the munchies like a Colombian hotdog with pineapple sauce. (And there are no judgments here because all the customers are just as drunk as you).

You’ve developed superhuman reflexes to avoid bad drivers

You’ve handled bad drivers before. By now you’ve gotten in at least one car accident or hit and run that you’ve probably even developed a third eye to foresee an incoming car from three lanes down with no blinkers driving at 100mph cutting you in line.

Learned to never count on the bus

At one point you may have thought you’d take the bus like you would in New York or in London. Not in Miami, you don’t. Public transport is never on time.

Seen at least 10 alligators

You’ve seen one in a canal, while kayaking in Matheson Park or in your friend’s pool after a hurricane – alligators are almost as common as the mosquito here. 13 feet long, lined with spikes and a jaw with 80 teeth? No biggie.

Public Domain / Pixabay

You’ve learned not to visit the Everglades in the summer

The swamplands of the Everglades National Park in the summer is a sanctuary for mosquitos. You know no mosquito repellant will save you from the bites in this humid air.

You’ve been to countless hotel pool parties on the beach

Whether it’s the The Raleigh or The Delano, you’ve partied in your share of hotel pools on the beach.

Seen Pitbull, Drake, Rick Ross or Rihanna at a mega-club

Either one of your friends is a cousin of Shakira’s, or you’ve spotted a few famous celebrities on a night out at LIV.

Drunk Cafecito at 3:05

It’s a ritual here, you’ve done it.

Coffee break | © Alehandra13 / Pixabay

Bought a sweater for that one week in January when it’s cold

You know people pull out that parka and knee-high boots when it gets chilly in Miami. 60 degrees Fahrenheit—it might as well be snowing—you’ve got a sweater for that time.

You’ve been to Santa’s Enchanted Forest

Your parents may have dragged you there, but you’ve been on a rollercoaster and eaten elephant ears at Santa’s at some point.

Know the difference between Coconut Grove, Coral Gables, South Miami, and Kendall

The good old suburbs. You can be a tour guide for the foreigners who don’t get that there’s more to Miami than just Miami Beach.

Vizcaya Museum & Gardens | © Mariamichelle / Pixabay

Know never to chance parking in the wrong spot in Miami Beach

One time you thought you could get away with being three minutes to your car, only to find out the tow truck was counting on that. You’ve learned never to chance parking in the wrong spot.

You’ve visited the deserted insane asylum on Krome

If you’ve visited the insane asylum on Krome, then you probably grew up in Miami hearing stories about it. And guess what, that means you know Miami as a native. Congrats, you’re the real deal – now pass the croqueta.

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