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£5 for a small cup of mulled wine, £8 for some festive churros and £10 for a crap crimbo burger that probably came out Iceland’s 5 for £1 freezer – yes, London Christmas markets mean overpriced, gimmicky rubbish. Stay indoors.
Snow? In London? Lol. That is all. Avoid the disappointment and just watch Home Alone or the GIF of Ryan Gosling winking in a blizzard above instead.
The photo above should be enough to dissuade you from shopping in hell.
You’ll end up calling the Samaritans, or even worse, watch Bridget Jones singing ‘All by Myself’ on repeat. Wine please.
It’s one nasty, sleazy, trashy, classless… OK, too much but screaming kids, miserable parents, overpriced tat and seven quid for a shit hot chocolate served up by a creepy 45-year old elf should put you right off. No thanks.
You probably spent five grand on that fab new Burberry coat, so why get rid of your incredible hipster mane for the sake of looking ship shape for the fam on the big day. Keep it, you look far sexier and the facial insulation is an awesome added bonus.
Do you really want to spend date night in A&E? Come on, you spent 10 days on Tinder finding the perfect boy or gal and you mess it up by slicing their fingers off. Not cool. Ice skating: let it go, let it go – you get the picture.
Maintain the London look and keep that immaculate resting bitch face looking its best throughout the festivities – you’ll be far more respected by your fellow Londoners.
Want more laughs? Check out this very funny guide to London slang!