The biggest mistake you can make is to think you can outsmart the flight attendants. Most of the time they will know full well what’s going on, but will only get involved if they have to, for example if you’re way too obvious about it, or if you bother other passengers.
Sure, joining the club sounds fun, but do you want it enough to risk being caught in an utterly embarrassing situation? If you’re not the kind of person who’s enjoyed getting frisky in public before now, chances are you’re not going to be the kind of person who enjoys getting caught with their pants around their ankles on row 12.
You might be the kind of person who gets turned on at the thought of getting caught, but the family in the seats next to you probably don’t want to be extras in your sexual fantasy. Not only is this disrespectful; remember that getting caught having sex in public is also a punishable offence in many countries.
Let’s be realistic: the two-hour flight from London to Madrid is probably not going to offer you much opportunity for a canoodle in the bathroom. By the time the queue of toilet-goers has died down and the duty-free trolley has passed, you’ll be needing to put your seat back in the upright position and prepare for landing before you can get past first base.
As you may have guessed, waiting until nighttime has its advantages. For one, many of your fellow passengers are likely to be asleep or at least in a drug-induced state of relative obliviousness. The second advantage is that the lights are dimmed and you can enjoy relative darkness in your seat, which will make a little hand-shuffling barely noticeable to the untrained eye.
As unsexy as it may seem, if you’re determined to join the club you’re probably going to have to bite the bullet and make do with a bathroom romp. For most travellers, the bathroom is the only place where you can get a semblance of privacy – just remember that the flight attendants can open the door from the outside at any point.
If you can afford it, flying business class is likely to make it much easier for you to get your kicks when up in the air. For one, the bathrooms tend to be a lot spacier and generally more pleasant. But more importantly, if you’re flying with the likes of Singapore Airlines, you might get lucky with an upgrade to a fully reclined double bed with a partition to give you some privacy. Now we’re talking.
Standard policy is not to let two people into the bathroom together, so you might need to have a good excuse to hand if you don’t want to have to shuffle around like secretive schoolchildren. Don’t get too carried away, though: flight attendants are well trained to spot a lie a mile away. Keep your excuse short, sweet and credible.
If you’re sitting towards the front of the plane, wait for the drinks trolley to pass, as the flight attendants will most likely be busy with it for a while. Plus, the trolley will be blocking the aisle and deterring other passengers from making their way over to the bathroom.
It doesn’t always take two to tango, and if making it to the bathroom with your partner just isn’t going to happen this time round, consider taking matters into your own hands – literally. There’s very little that can give you away, except perhaps the smile on your face as you go back to your seat.
Let’s be honest: joining the mile-high club has a lot more to do with status than it does with enjoying out-of-this-world sex. A quick romp in a cramped bathroom is unlikely to be the most meaningful experience you share with someone, nor is the rushed hand-job as you constantly peer over your shoulder to see if anyone’s watching, but that’s not to say it won’t be a whole lot of fun!
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